Liability.

  • a person or thing whose presence or behavior is likely to put one at a disadvantage.

If I had a superpower, I’d probably be a liability enabler. Just roaming around, looking for people to put at a disadvantage. That’s me. I think.
Then people would be just fine pointing their finger at me, just like: “hey, it’s on him, that fucker enabled me!”. And it would be all fine. They could just lose it for a while with none of the guilt that comes with the experience of being a wild spirit. You know, just middle finger-ing life like we should, now and then.

I might be a bad influence. Perhaps. I can admit that. It’s actually kind of fun. People become more interesting this way. We all need that person that gives that last push for people to misbehave slightly and just act crazy if only just for a short while.

I rarely doubt myself. Even if I’m wrong or especially when I’m wrong. If it goes well, great if not, well, next time then. I feel others should think the same too. I mean, it’s all right playing it safe but do you really want to go through life like that? Life can be pretty exciting if you dare.

I’ve read this book about the antidote for chaos. I know, it doesn’t suit me, I enjoy organized chaos, but it is a surprisingly enjoyable read. I could quote most of the book as it is very good but I particularly enjoyed this one bit:

“You’re going to pay a price for everything you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you’re going to take. That’s it.”

That’s very accurate, I think. The price is set if you do or if you don’t do. You get to choose what you can live with. It’s almost poetic. These philosophers nowadays, they know their shit!

Along the way, you’ll meet people that will surprise you. But good surprise you. And then, you’ll have those that disappoint you. And for those, you’ll be nothing but a toy that they enjoy. For a while. But who cares?

Santiago Roque

Oh, it’s ambulatory!

 

examination-of-the-patient-by-the-doctor-black-icon-vector-sign-on-isolated-background-examination-clip-art-vector_csp63702969
*image may not represent actual reality.

 

 
What is the only upside of having a health issue? Is having one that can be fixed! If there is a solution, a simple one, everything should be fine. That’s what the doctor told me, that arrogant fuck. I don’t know what is with doctors, maybe this god-complex or whatever they call it but, in my experience, me and them, we do not get along. Maybe we have the same type of arrogance that clashes or maybe i just bring out the asshole in them. Either way, it isn’t easy.
 
I had an appointment a week ago and turns out, i need to have surgery done. I don’t like hospitals, i’ve said this before and the feeling hasn’t changed. I don’t like hospitals. So, i’m sitting there and the doc keeps talking, using terms that i have no idea what they mean but i keep shaking my head like i actually understand anything this God-given awful specimen planted in this hospital is saying. By now, a lady doctor has joined in and she does the talking while Doc Asshole looks me straight in the eye. I have no idea what he’s planning but i’m already shaken up just by being in this horrible place, he doesn’t need to stare me down to intimidate me, this fucking hospital does the job.
They throw words around like i am supposed to know what they fucking mean. I’m, like, 2 seconds away from having a mental breakdown because these horrible green walls keep getting closer and closer and this fucking ammonia-like smell in the air keeps stinging my eyes and now it seems like i am crying but i’m really not and it is just that i don’t really like hospitals and now lady doctor asks me if i need anything explained to me and yes lady, i do! How about you explain everything again but now in a language normal people understand? How about that? I am starting to dislike you too, lady doctor.
 
It is very simple really, nothing to worry about, Doc Asshole says. Man, fuck you! I’m gonna be asleep while you fucks literally just open me up and shit. You might sneeze while you operate and whatever and now i have your germs somewhere between my liver and kidney and for you fucks it is just another Thursday. So no, you’re wrong and i should worry. And then he says “ambulatory” like i’m supposed to fucking know what that means. Man, i don’t have this doctor lingo shit down. I have no idea what that means. Be specific, say whatever the fuck you mean, i’m getting stressed.
“Oh, we mean you’re able to get out on the same day. In and out, just like that” You sadistic fucks. I’m here about to jump the window behind me because i have this clear notion that this building is about to crush me and you keep saying shit like “ambulatory surgery” and “torsion repair” like everyone knows what the fuck it is supposed to mean, while all along you just had to say “listen, don’t stress it. in and out in a jiffy, very simple”.
 
Fuck you people, don’t you read my blog?! I HATE HOSPITALS !!!

Santiago Roque

A tale.

"As is a tale, so is a life: 
Not how long it is, but 
How good it is, 
Is what matters."


Losing someone you care for, that you admire, that you love, takes its toll on you. The perception of mortality becomes real. Not that you might have not known before but only then, i think, do you get the feeling that this will, someday, be nothing but a memory for others once you’re gone. Some say that someone is really only gone when the last person that loved them dies too. I find it to be beautifully sad and hopefully true.


I’ve had my share of losses in the past decade. I’ve never felt heartbreak as i did when my mother passed away. Only then, did i really got the point to this so-called living. It doesn’t really matter who you are, how you behave, what footstep you leave behind because there is nothing but randomness concerning life. There isn’t any reward for being this or that. There is no punishment either. There is only acceptance of the fact.


It takes us between 2 to 3 days to actually bury someone. And then, the only thing that really happens is sharing this deep sadness and regret. That is all it is. You’re sad because this wonderful person is gone and everyone else, packed with their best cliche’d one-liners, join in. And regret because only then it dawns on you that you will never ever be able to share a joke, a smile, a secret with this person. You’ll end up seating somewhere hearing people share all this stuff about your loved one like it is their business. You feel like punching everyone. But you dont because you’re an adult and you must behave as such.


This 2 to 3 days period should be used for remembering your loved one. You’ll have time for sadness and regret later, take my word on that. This period should be useful to say goodbye by remembering what made them so loved in the first place. Take joy in remembering all the good things you had together, every memory created, every step side by side. I wish i had done this. I wish i had focused on the good instead of being distracted by the uneventful parade of emptiness trying to tell me how good of a person she was or how hard she was going to be missed. Thank you, really. I wouldn’t have get it if you lot hadn’t told me repeatedly.


Don’t be like me. Don’t be bitter just because. Be remindful of everything good, everything great you’ve shared. It might not make you feel any better then but in the long run, you will be a better person for it. You will feel better for having had the opportunity to remember as the person deserved. Not that you can’t do it after. You can and you will. But you will have all the time in the world to mourn as you should later. Focus on the good things for now.

Santiago Roque

Hello ​2019.

Sometimes i forget that people still have the ability to suprise me. I try, sometimes real hard, not to judge them. Mostly, i succeed. No one should be able to judge anyone, you can gather an opinion, but you shouldn’t judge. Although i recognize the difficulty in it, i really try not to. But every now and then, i slip up and become too judgemental.

I got surprised today. By two different people. For two different reasons.

In the early hours of 2019, i fucked up. That is all i am at ease to disclose. I knew right then that i wasn’t being the best version of myself. You can promise all you want but if you’re not honest with yourself, you deserve a “fuck you”. I mean it, truly i do. 2019 will have to see the follow up to the reform of Santiago Roque. 2018 was just the kickstart.

I was surprised because someone was bold enough to lay it out for me. Bold not because i am above it all, but because it was out of character. This someone that seems so alienated from everything, so easygoing, so invisible to the daily absurdity of life and yet, aware of my mishaps. Well, thank you, really and fuck you too.

The other surprise was a book given by someone that i wasn’t expecting to do so. Not that this person isn’t generous or thoughtful. But because it was out of the blue, completely unexpected. We don’t have the type of relationship that we can give such gifts. So it came as a genuine surprise when i saw it! I appreciate the gesture, it was very nice and extremely thoughtful. I texted saying thank you for the loan but it is actually for me to keep. All the more special.

By day 2 out of 365, i already have fucked up and got pleasantly surprised by people. Balance couldn’t be more present in 2019.

A few things have happened because i write here. When i started writing, i did it as a form to express thoughts or anything actually that i wasn’t able to express by other means. Sometimes i write life as it happens, sometimes i express memories and sometimes i just let out my frustrations. I am having second thoughts about this whole idea, it was always meant to be anonymous but it seems it isnt. I need to rethink this.

Santiago Roque




Day 365.

Today is the last day of 2018. Like that, 365 days went by. Some were easy, others way too difficult to relate back. I’ll store 2018 as a year of challenge, both personally and professionally. In some cases, it was shocking to realize how things are.

I always knew deep down that the day would come that everything that i had held up within, would come crashing down. This weightless burden would become too much and i would find myself underneath it all, striving for breath, for something to hold on to, something to breathe life into me. The realization that we are indeed vulnerable and hurt just the same breaks you. You are told you’re an anchor that many times that you start to believe it. You start to feel an obligation to be anything or everything anyone needs. It works till it doesn’t. You’re still stronger than most but not above hurt, pain or sadness. You need a break.

You realize there is no perfect scenario. Life is what it is. There is no defeat in life if you live it. But you have to live it. Do not concern yourself with regret or mistake.

And change may be inevitable. Perhaps you wake up one day and you realize that maybe your favorite color is no longer green but blue. Or your favorite animal is no longer a dog but a koala. And sometimes holding someone’s hand means a whole lot more than you thought. It is fine, things change with time. Adaptation may be required.

I’ll never be above error or regret. That is part of living. I can only decide how to fix my fuck-ups. And that is okay with me. It should be okay with you too.

I do as i preach. For the better and worse. It is the only way i know how to be me. Looking out from the outside, i may come across as a mildly arrogant, indifferent, yet charming and charismatic guy. I am indeed arrogant yet charming. I believe in balance so if you find me one day arrogant, i am sure the next day i’ll be twice as charming. It is what makes people like me, i suppose. And those that don’t, well, those can fuck off. That is also part of my charm, not really giving a fuck about others opinions most of the times.

For 2019, i only ask for the well being of the ones i love, the ones that make this hole in the chest smaller and smaller each day. For without them, i am less me and with them, i am much more.

See you around.

Love always,

Santiago Roque


The right gift.

Usually i don’t really ask for nothing for Christmas. I think that people, if they should give anything, they must choose as per their own accordance. I get asked frequently during this period or my birthday, which i don’t really care much for, what i need. I always say the same thing, which for the receiver is lame to hear but very true. I’ve got everything that i need. I really do. A gift, in my opinion, shouldn’t be something you need per se, it should be something that makes you a bit more happier, something unexpected, something that lets you know the giver cares enough to get it for you.

As always, i was asked what i needed/wanted this Christmas. As always, my answer was the same. But, not to be one to make it hard for someone else, i suggested that, if they must, i would appreciate books. I sent my wife an e-mail with the suggestions and asked her to tell my family that, instead of anything else, i would prefer books. And so, yeah, i got books for Christmas. I loved it, i am one step closer to have my own library.

I already mentioned that i hate to give generic gifts, i try to get something more meaningful but sometimes we have to accept that time limits our options and we must follow the trend and give the most generic of gifts: perfume. I did that this year but even so, i tried to be unique. Take my wife’s gift for example: i gave her a perfume but the one she wore during our wedding. Generic? Yes. Special? That too. I also gave her jewelry, which is so awful to give but i was running low on time. She loved it though. But kept the receipt just in case.

The importance of getting a gift to someone should reflect their importance to you. Unless you’re running low on time. Then, everything goes and fuck gift etiquette. But, given time and option, you should spoil those you gift with something that a) they don’t expect and b) they didn’t know they needed. The small things count as much as anything else if not more. It shows that you pay attention, that you care.

I never gift someone hoping to get something in return. I appreciate a gift as much as anyone else, i respect the gesture. But it isn’t critical, crucial to get. The worse thing is to feel obligated to gift someone in return. If you didn’t get it before, you shouldn’t give it in return. And that is okay. It is all about giving, to show people their importance. To show that you truly care.

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

Santiago Roque


Happy (drunk) Christmas.


It’s now 19:18 and I’m slightly hangover from the past days. I don’t know exactly what makes me feel like this, but this year, unlike all others, i don’t feel like Christmas is over. Technically it isn’t, i know but usually by this time, i get the feeling that is zero countdown till next Christmas. However this year, blame it on the excessive alcohol or not, i feel pretty chippy still. Is this a sign of maturity? I hope not. I enjoy my lack of maturity now and then. It excuses some behavior.

I have dinner in 30/35 minutes where, i am sure, i will get my booze on and perpetuate this feeling of Christmas for a little bit longer.

I used to dread the 26th. For me, it meant Christmas time was officially over and i kind of felt a bit depressed. People would be all planning New Years eve and i would be just like, meh. Don’t really care for it. Never did. This year is no different. But i still feel quite Christmas-y. Don’t know exactly why but i’ll take it.

I have this friend that feels the same or similar. We bonded over Christmas. Take all the alcohol away and we have exactly the same feelings towards Christmas. Thing is, she promises things and never delivers. Maybe that is not a fair thing to say but it is my POV. She writes so well yet doubts every time. “ill write this one segment about the plus side of being me but then i won’t post for anyone to read.” It is a waste. I kind of like her, though. In fact, if it wasn’t for her, i wouldn’t be writing this right now just to prove a point.

Whoever reads my blog knows that what i post is basically a non-sensical parade of ideas and thoughts. I have no ambition concerning writing therefore i have no limitation to what i write. Quality-wise though, it is average at best. But i am fine with it. I like to know that i can improve. All this just to say that, at any time, anywhere, i can write any shit that comes to mind. I do not care about blog etiquette. I should but i don’t. Which makes me inconsequent in what i write.

I do like to read when others post and feel exactly what they feel. However heartbreaking or funny or pleasant it might be, i do value the input given to a post. In that particular subject, i am a rebel. I value what i don’t get to do. But i feel inspired by others. I appreciate their writing, however candid or abstract it might be.

So maybe i am changing. Maybe I am growing as a person (AH!) or maybe i just found something to focus on when everything else doesn’t seem to provide comfort. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I like the inconsistency of my condition as a blogger. Should i use this word to describe what i do here? Hm.

Anyhow. Don’t limit yourself to the same standard others do. Rebel out, chaos is not a bad thing. Embrace the anarchy of the word. The miss-matched subjects maybe desirable for some that weren’t aware. You’ve just read that and still, you might look forward to what comes next.

Happy Christmas.

Santiago Roque.