Have i ever told you…

I have all types of friends. Quiet, silly, adventurous, revolutionary, etc… The revolutionary one sometimes comes up in the news either with his face blacked out or altered deepened voice (which, i tend to assume is to hide his identity from the entities he’s trying to fight) but then i find him posting selfies on facebook detailing what he’s done lately. Revolution is gonna take a while, i said revolutionary, not bright. And most of my friends i’ve known since forever. Some go back to pre-school and every now and then we get together and we become the same kids that tried to emulate “The Goonies” (plug-in to the movie if you haven’t seen it yet).

But today i’m posting about one of the few exceptions that i’ve known for a less period of time and consider a friend. We met through work a few years ago. I don’t really remember what made me like her instantly but i did. We just sort of clicked. Her liking me is obvious, ’cause i am, well, i am me and i’m very likable to say the least (it is all true, i promise.) We became the go-to people at work to push things forward while being the goofs as well. I have so many stories of us together ranging from funny to dramatic. Often starting one way, ending up the other. A few years, which now in retrospective seems a lifelong ago, we were having the same romantic issues at the same time. Just imagine me going through a crisis with my girlfriend at the time giving her advice on how to deal with her love problems. And the same way around. Sometimes this comes up and we end up realizing the stupidity of it all. Every time we have a work related get together she makes me sit next to her. “You have to, otherwise what is the point of coming to theses things if you gonna be sitting far from me?”. It is an unspoken rule but everyone pretty much knows, we sit together and that is it. We are more mature now (well, she tends to be) so we kind of have a sip or so of wine or whatever but we used to get pretty wasted at these things. One time, after one of these things, we went to a bar. We were pretty drunk and we get to the counter waiting our turn to ask for drinks and she goes ” whatever happens, don’t leave me alone. im pretty wasted right now!”, And i’m like “dude, i got you. Let them alcohol roll” As soon as i have my drink in my hand i disappear. I don’t really remember much after that but i think i left the bar with my drink and just went home. Of course she grilled me the next day but we had a laugh too.

A while ago, she told me that throughout the years that we’ve known each other, she has seen people come and go and gets surprised at how many of them get a sort of clingyness (is that a word? it is now) to me. “I’m charming”, i joked, and she goes like “yeah, i can see it. i just don’t understand it” It took me a full day for my ego to deflate to recognize that it wasn’t a compliment. What a bitch! But that is how we deal with each other. I tell the most absurd things and she slaps me for it and yet laughs at what i say. She is my test-audience and i love her for it.

I know that she might read this. I’m hoping she does. Because i want her to know that, even though right now we are on opposite sides of the religion spectrum, i’m clinging to that small bit of faith left in me to tell you that one day all your dreams will come true. You have a purpose that i know will be fulfilled. You just have to hold on a little bit longer. And i’ll be here for you the same way you’re here for me. Always.

Let’s get wasted one of these days.

 

Santiago Roque

My cute roommate

I live with a roommate that says that i have commitment issues. How dare she? She’s like “By now, you should be able to call me your wife!” Well, i’m not wrong either, she’s indeed my roommate too. ( i wish i could remember where i heard this joke because it is brilliant and i wanted to give credit to the guy but allas, my memory fails me). I’m married. Have been for a while. It’s nice, i understand why people do it. You get to have someone to share shit with. You know, the good, the bad, whatever happened on this weeks episode of (insert random show you both binge on Netflix). Except, she doesn’t wait for me to see the episodes. She binges all alone and then spoils them for me. You conniving little devil! You know the feeling of waking up in the morning and turning to your side and seeing THAT someone that makes your day worth it, that makes you silly-happy for no apparent reason? You know? Well, i don’t but i’m sure my wife does. I’m that type of person, i make people feel happy, even in the morning. We are very cool as a couple. We no longer have time for jealousy type of shit. Sure, she doesn’t like something, she tells me to my face. The opposite does not happen. I learned my lesson that one time, Jesus! I also married above my rating. Yes, you can argue i’m attractive and all. I go to the gym, i’m athletic. I consider myself tall, especially when surrounded with shorter people. In fact, she has said that i am an 8 out of 10. She claims she doesn’t remember saying. Dude, i know what i heard ! But she’s way more attractive than i am. She used to model so she is as photogenic as they come. Every time we take a picture together, i look like a camel. There is no instagram filter that saves me. But all is good, all is well. In the poetic words of the failed kings of emo Mayday Parade:

Because these words were never easier
For me to say or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best

I got you, babe !

Santiago Roque

 

Music Throwback: Smashing Pumpkins.

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I’ve chosen to include in my panoply of words a kindness to an album that i didn’t fully appreciate before when it first came out but for the last years has become part of my collection of albums that i really enjoy. And this week this one came to mind. As i was driving to meet a friend in need (is a friend indeed, as Placebo would play ) “Beautiful” came on on my shuffle playlist. I found it ironic that, on this specific day, a sad day by all accounts, i would randomly hear this song. As sang by Billy:

Don’t let your life wrap up around you
Don’t forget to call, whenever

It just clicked with me. And as i continued to drive i put the album on. “Zero” took me all the way back to my teens. What a fucking good song! “Throw out your cares and fly, want to go for a ride?” Then “Bullet with butterfly wings”, that anthem of fake rage that me and my friends sang along on our nights out. Hella good times, man ! By the time “Cupid de Locke” came on, i had just parked but stayed inside listening to it.

And in the land of star crossed lovers
And barren hearted wanderers
Forever lost in forsaken missives and Satan’s pull
We seek the unseekable and we speak the unspeakable
Our hopes dead gathering dust to dust
In faith, in compassion, and in love

It crushed me a little bit. But then i put my hero cape on and went to meet my friend. My cocktail of idiotic eloquence made her feel a bit better plus i took some treats. She cried as soon as we hugged and i might have cried a bit as well. Out of joy. Because i was in need of a charger and she had brought one! Baby Jesus, that one saved me!

Santiago Roque

 

 

A letter to you.

My greatest love,

I miss you. I miss everything about you and i miss the way you made me feel. I know now what i lost, that what i can never ever get back. I hate the way that i took it, for the most part, for granted. I hate when people talk about you. I hate that people just assume that this too shall pass. I mostly hate that i don’t have you around anymore. I still hold on to the belief that someday our paths will cross again but it leaves me almost breathless when reality dawns on me.

 

“Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.”

 

I will love you always.

 

The “me” you’ll see.

I have no writings skill at all. And i am more interesting in person. But this will have to suffice. I need to put thoughts on paper (or similar) just because. The last 2 correspondence relationships i had were basically one way for different reasons so this seems like the logic step to take. I am not expecting people will actually read this unless they stumble upon it. I guess this will be mostly a nonsensical parade of ideas or thoughts that go through me. It will be my therapy of some sorts. My life has been a ride. The good, the bad, everything connected makes a life worth living. And i will write some about it. Just you wait and read.

I’ll see you around.

Santiago Roque.