It’s been three years.

I wonder if in whatever realm you may find yourself do you think about me? Do I hold a special place within you?
I miss you.
Just like a flower missing the sun, this existence is lacking in many ways.

It’s been three years.
I wonder, am I the one that hurts the most or is anyone else just better at hiding it?
Do you miss me?

It’s been three years.
I wish I could see you just once more and tell you that I love you.
That I apologize for never being the best version of myself.
Would you love me just the same?

It’s been three years.
There is nothing better than dreaming about you.
It is also the saddest feeling waking up after.
There is this hole in my chest that I can’t seem to make whole again.

It’s been three years.
And it feels like it was only yesterday.

I ache for you.
I miss you.

Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go.

I love you.

Cheers.

Yesterday I died but came alive today. Thankfully. I got drunk off my mind, unexpectedly. I got home about 5-ish pretty cheerful. I had a family event of some sorts and drank the night away. I also met my father’s new girlfriend (ladyfriend, he insists) which was meh. I have no opinion although she tried to charm her way to me. She told me I looked a lot like my father, I replied that was because she’d never met my mother. Obviously, given the circumstances.

It was supposed to be just dinner and maybe a glass or so. I hadn’t seen my brother for a week, we hadn’t talked either so as I was about to leave he asked me to stick around. I said I wasn’t feeling it but then my wife told me that he might want to talk about something so I should consider staying a bit longer. I did. Turns out he just needed a drinking buddy. And drinking we did!

We drank a bit there but then just before things got blurry, we chose to go somewhere else. Sober-me usually says more inappropriate things than appropriate things. Drunk-me is just savage and unapologetic. I didn’t want to share the same space with my father and his new friend (?) just in case I couldn’t shut up. My brother as well so we left.

Also, drunk-me doesn’t send the best texts either. So, I just decided not to text. At all. Again, I say shit that sets out a very awkward atmosphere when drunk (mostly when drunk but sober-me is pretty good at it too) so, in order to save face the next day, I laid the phone aside and just enjoyed the flow of alcohol. I did warn my texts recipient before, I hate being the type of person that just ignores someone else by not replying. Ironically, I was ignored. Not a first a time either, so I’m getting used to it.

But waking up today was a bitch. I remember everything otherwise I would have thought someone had beat the shit out of me. No bruises though. I feel like my man Jesus, it takes me a full three days to show myself again. I’m still trying to learn that whole “turning water into wine” party trick. That would be mighty fine. And cheaper too.

Anyway, liquids are my best friends right now. Alcohol-free, however. I had my fair share yesterday.

Santiago Roque

Don’t run away from me ever
Is all I ask
Hard to find and impossible to resist
A sweet clumsiness and tender laugh
You keep me at bay
Afraid to allow for even a tinge of yourself to be shared
Promise that you will never hurt me
That the poison won’t find its victim
Only to fear the day that I become
Too much to handle or too little to care
Fear of love in this lust
Paving the way for regret and remorse
And the realization of feeling unwanted
The dark hour that no one should crave.

Santiago Roque

If only.

She asked me if it was sincere. If what I said was truthful. I lied and said yes. This is what I want, I lied again. She replayed our time back to me like I wasn’t aware of any of it. As if I wasn’t a key part of the complete mess that was happening to us. How I used to gently touch her arm or her lower back when we were nothing but acquaintances. My sublime way of looking straight at her, targeting her and as soon as our eyes met, a small grin just to pull her a little bit more. She wondered if this approach worked with everyone or was just with her. That first kiss. Did I know how long she wanted that first kiss? Was I aware of her state everytime we met casually? I couldn’t really answer. I was never one the focus on anyone else but me. How long did I want that kiss? Forever! How did I feel every time we met? It was like any moment that we weren’t in each other’s arms, that we weren’t whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, was a complete waste of time. That was the truth but I wasn’t able to say it. I just looked at her and kept silent. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t sad either. She looked like she was expecting this somehow. “I thought I was the one that was going to ruin you, but you outplayed me. It was always going to be like this,” she told me. She was wrong. She had ruined me. I wasn’t myself anymore. She had given me a glimpse of love, of affection and it was just too much for me to handle. Unattached was my way of life, a way to never lose. But she had ruined it for me. She slowly crept into my core, stuck herself deep and gradually started to make me come alive. And it was too much.

“This is over. I am being sincere. I am sorry but I just don’t feel the same.”

If only you knew. If only I could just say everything that I was holding back. If only…

Santiago Roque

Day 33.

He’s sitting across from me. If we were to have a place, this would be it. I’ve lost count how many times we’ve met here. I wonder, is this where he fell in love with me? I can’t recall ever being here without him in the picture. I mean, I’ve been here many times by myself but I don’t really know anymore what it is coming here without him. I guess he’s mad at something. He’s not his usual silly self. We say hi awkwardly but then again, is it ever not awkward? In all honesty, it pains me to see him like this but then it actually kind of amuses me. Don’t get me wrong, I take no joy in seeing him like this but I guess it’s sort of liberating seeing him struggle too. We try small talk but it doesn’t cut it. Not today. He asks me point blank, ”what now?” I have no idea. Silence.

Most times, he does the talking and I just sort of reply as the conversation flows but today he doesn’t seem quite himself. Are we breaking up? Can we break up? He did text me saying that maybe distance would be a good thing. The idiot! I am mad at him for that.

I have this playful thing that I do where I just stare at something and then as our eyes cross each others, I’ll just go ”yes?” waiting for him to say something. That usually gets the conversation flowing but not this time.

Finally, he starts talking. I say talking but I’m being too optimistic. He mumbles. He stops. No, he continues. It looks like he lost the ability to phrase things. Someone woke up on the retarded side of the bed today! He’s kinda cute though. Like, hella cute!

I hate that I like him. More than he deserves. I think I could just go back to what we were if he wanted. Maybe we will. He tells me I should be more selfish in some ways. Well, I don’t have it in me! I’m starting to dislike him just because.

As the food arrives, he looks over and tells me I’m being too ambitious if I think I can finish this plate. As if?! I’ll have you know I’ve eaten this before and finished it! But I don’t this time and now I have to endure his smugness. Oh, why? I hate him!

We talk for a while and I suppose we get on the same page. It looks like we do at least. As we go our separate ways, I fist bump him. He hates it but I do it nonetheless. You see, we’re not touchy at all. ”No?”, I ask. Reluctantly, he gives in. I go left, he goes right. I hide in my jacket as I walk to my car. I want to look back but I don’t. If I did, I would have seen him looking at me, just staring as I walked away.

He texted me halfway through the afternoon.

”So, still like me?”

Oh God, make me good but just not yet!

Santiago Roque

Liability.

  • a person or thing whose presence or behavior is likely to put one at a disadvantage.

If I had a superpower, I’d probably be a liability enabler. Just roaming around, looking for people to put at a disadvantage. That’s me. I think.
Then people would be just fine pointing their finger at me, just like: “hey, it’s on him, that fucker enabled me!”. And it would be all fine. They could just lose it for a while with none of the guilt that comes with the experience of being a wild spirit. You know, just middle finger-ing life like we should, now and then.

I might be a bad influence. Perhaps. I can admit that. It’s actually kind of fun. People become more interesting this way. We all need that person that gives that last push for people to misbehave slightly and just act crazy if only just for a short while.

I rarely doubt myself. Even if I’m wrong or especially when I’m wrong. If it goes well, great if not, well, next time then. I feel others should think the same too. I mean, it’s all right playing it safe but do you really want to go through life like that? Life can be pretty exciting if you dare.

I’ve read this book about the antidote for chaos. I know, it doesn’t suit me, I enjoy organized chaos, but it is a surprisingly enjoyable read. I could quote most of the book as it is very good but I particularly enjoyed this one bit:

“You’re going to pay a price for everything you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you’re going to take. That’s it.”

That’s very accurate, I think. The price is set if you do or if you don’t do. You get to choose what you can live with. It’s almost poetic. These philosophers nowadays, they know their shit!

Along the way, you’ll meet people that will surprise you. But good surprise you. And then, you’ll have those that disappoint you. And for those, you’ll be nothing but a toy that they enjoy. For a while. But who cares?

Santiago Roque

Oh, it’s ambulatory!

 

examination-of-the-patient-by-the-doctor-black-icon-vector-sign-on-isolated-background-examination-clip-art-vector_csp63702969
*image may not represent actual reality.

 

 
What is the only upside of having a health issue? Is having one that can be fixed! If there is a solution, a simple one, everything should be fine. That’s what the doctor told me, that arrogant fuck. I don’t know what is with doctors, maybe this god-complex or whatever they call it but, in my experience, me and them, we do not get along. Maybe we have the same type of arrogance that clashes or maybe i just bring out the asshole in them. Either way, it isn’t easy.
 
I had an appointment a week ago and turns out, i need to have surgery done. I don’t like hospitals, i’ve said this before and the feeling hasn’t changed. I don’t like hospitals. So, i’m sitting there and the doc keeps talking, using terms that i have no idea what they mean but i keep shaking my head like i actually understand anything this God-given awful specimen planted in this hospital is saying. By now, a lady doctor has joined in and she does the talking while Doc Asshole looks me straight in the eye. I have no idea what he’s planning but i’m already shaken up just by being in this horrible place, he doesn’t need to stare me down to intimidate me, this fucking hospital does the job.
They throw words around like i am supposed to know what they fucking mean. I’m, like, 2 seconds away from having a mental breakdown because these horrible green walls keep getting closer and closer and this fucking ammonia-like smell in the air keeps stinging my eyes and now it seems like i am crying but i’m really not and it is just that i don’t really like hospitals and now lady doctor asks me if i need anything explained to me and yes lady, i do! How about you explain everything again but now in a language normal people understand? How about that? I am starting to dislike you too, lady doctor.
 
It is very simple really, nothing to worry about, Doc Asshole says. Man, fuck you! I’m gonna be asleep while you fucks literally just open me up and shit. You might sneeze while you operate and whatever and now i have your germs somewhere between my liver and kidney and for you fucks it is just another Thursday. So no, you’re wrong and i should worry. And then he says “ambulatory” like i’m supposed to fucking know what that means. Man, i don’t have this doctor lingo shit down. I have no idea what that means. Be specific, say whatever the fuck you mean, i’m getting stressed.
“Oh, we mean you’re able to get out on the same day. In and out, just like that” You sadistic fucks. I’m here about to jump the window behind me because i have this clear notion that this building is about to crush me and you keep saying shit like “ambulatory surgery” and “torsion repair” like everyone knows what the fuck it is supposed to mean, while all along you just had to say “listen, don’t stress it. in and out in a jiffy, very simple”.
 
Fuck you people, don’t you read my blog?! I HATE HOSPITALS !!!

Santiago Roque