I’m at my lowest point in the last three years. I’ve been feeling it for a while now, I just hoped it would eventually fade out. It hasn’t. It seems to get worse. And I don’t seem to be able to control any part of it. I feel like my soul is detaching from my body, as crazy as that sounds. The ones that notice it slightly and ask, i point towards the obvious, the birth of my first-born. But it is not that. If anything, that carries me through the day but it works as faint excuse for being absentee when i’m with others. I keep drifting in my head and i try to go back and just pinpoint where it all began and i can’t fucking do it. I am crying as i write this right now.
I can’t have a serious talk with my wife because I feel like crashing and i hold it in. I run away from interaction with my sister just because she would take a proper look and fucking know. I have been worried about her but everything came back perfect so that’s not it too. But I knew. I have mood swings, I care about you and then I don’t. I want you to talk to me but then I don’t. I want you to carry on with your life but then I don’t. I miss you but then I don’t and I love you but then I don’t.
So I had to go back to my fav doc, that bastard. I didn’t count but it took all of 10 mins to lay it out to me. Happy pills which I won’t be taking because I don’t want to. I feel like not caring at all. I eat because I must and I loved eating. I cried the other day because It dawned on me that, at that precise moment, I was at my happiest place in a long time and yet, I couldn’t feel the least happy. I felt horrible. I am horrible. Perfection around me and still, numb as a rock. And i want to tell but i couldnt say it.
I am burning out. Thats the term. I am burned out.
I can barely look those I love in the eye because I feel ill breakdown. At work, it feels pretty similar. Even the ones I like im starting to dislike. And I know it isn’t their fault but I can’t help it. My sweetest friend got me a while a ago. She said I was giving up on her, on us. That I looked, felt and acted less me. She got it half right. Its towards everyone, not just her.
I took up some drumming classes just to have fresh air in my life. For all the noise I make, I can’t seem to drown these feelings when Im there. I feel like nothing.
I had let this whole blog thing die out but I came back to it. They tell me that putting feelings onto paper helps. I hoping so.
For you, the two people that read me:
I love you but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I am sorry.
Give me a while, ill be coming back, I know it.