Cause and effect.

I’m at my lowest point in the last three years. I’ve been feeling it for a while now, I just hoped it would eventually fade out. It hasn’t. It seems to get worse. And I don’t seem to be able to control any part of it. I feel like my soul is detaching from my body, as crazy as that sounds. The ones that notice it slightly and ask, i point towards the obvious, the birth of my first-born. But it is not that. If anything, that carries me through the day but it works as faint excuse for being absentee when i’m with others. I keep drifting in my head and i try to go back and just pinpoint where it all began and i can’t fucking do it. I am crying as i write this right now.

I can’t have a serious talk with my wife because I feel like crashing and i hold it in. I run away from interaction with my sister just because she would take a proper look and fucking know. I have been worried about her but everything came back perfect so that’s not it too. But I knew. I have mood swings, I care about you and then I don’t. I want you to talk to me but then I don’t. I want you to carry on with your life but then I don’t. I miss you but then I don’t and I love you but then I don’t.

So I had to go back to my fav doc, that bastard. I didn’t count but it took all of 10 mins to lay it out to me. Happy pills which I won’t be taking because I don’t want to. I feel like not caring at all. I eat because I must and I loved eating. I cried the other day because It dawned on me that, at that precise moment, I was at my happiest place in a long time and yet, I couldn’t feel the least happy. I felt horrible. I am horrible. Perfection around me and still, numb as a rock. And i want to tell but i couldnt say it.

I am burning out. Thats the term. I am burned out.

I can barely look those I love in the eye because I feel ill breakdown. At work, it feels pretty similar. Even the ones I like im starting to dislike. And I know it isn’t their fault but I can’t help it. My sweetest friend got me a while a ago. She said I was giving up on her, on us. That I looked, felt and acted less me. She got it half right. Its towards everyone, not just her.

I took up some drumming classes just to have fresh air in my life. For all the noise I make, I can’t seem to drown these feelings when Im there. I feel like nothing.

I had let this whole blog thing die out but I came back to it. They tell me that putting feelings onto paper helps. I hoping so.

For you, the two people that read me:

I love you but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I am sorry.

Give me a while, ill be coming back, I know it.

Nice to know you.

DJ, drop a Dre beat for a Eminem flow, if ya please

 Hey kids, wanna grow up
To be just like me?
Have a girl, a chick
And still act humbly
Yeah, that might sound like the shit and all
But in the end is just an ego-trip from big to small
Setting it right,
Imma about to complain
Take you on a tour on how to disguise this pain

My girl just called, saying she got a new crush
I'm like “wtf baby, you turning down my touch?”
“Oh no, not like that,
You must understand
This guy be like,
A whole 9, close to a motherfucking 10!”
Shit, I can’t compete girl,
You gotta me there 
See you on the run,
imma be here, hiding the despair
“Things aint gotta change, hope things stay the same”
Yeah right, you had me at the top,
Now im lowballing at the end
Its ok, ill see you around,
Maybe once, maybe twice
Might even fool you,
Act all cool, slick and nice
Dont mind us, is fine, we’ll get along
Ill quote you those lyrics you posted from that song
“Wisdom’s a gift but you’d trade it for youth
Age is an honor, but it’s still not the truth”

On and on it goes,
They hit me up like clockwork
But fuck it, im gone,
About to jump from the rooftop
This one tells me she’s been dreaming about her and me
Hold up girl, stop right there,
Not again, that just can’t be
But im curious, I must pursue, tell me what did we do
“Oh, you know, we got all cute and x-rated too!”
Man, I stay away,
But im cool, its all in good fun
Gotta keep the ratio, all smooth,
Ego pumpin’ and then some!
Waking up is shit, im all smiles but no truth
She walks by, “how are ya? You look fine, you look good!”
Oh thanks, I appreciate it, looking good yourself
Feel like you might jump me once,
High quality, top shelf
"Hey look, check it,
My boyfriend got me a new ring",
Looking flashy, all fresh with that brand new bling
Thats nice, I say, congrats, you got it good,
“Thanks, but I can’t take it off if you ever in the mood”
Color me surprised, that hit me hard like a rock
“Thats right boy, holla at me and
You’d me begging me to never stop”

Walking around, puffed chest, ready to complain
Choosing heads, pointing fingers
But im the one to blame
You see, I told you once,
You see me through a different light
I am who I am,
Not different, not great, not even nice
But I wear this crown and I wear it down
Sea of emotions,
All swept, got me drown.
But don’t feel bad for me,
No need to worry
Chapters closed,
All read up, end of story
But in case you forget,
Lemme tell you what’s up
Nice to meet you
You know who I am,
I'm cool as shit, hot as fuck.