If only.

She asked me if it was sincere. If what I said was truthful. I lied and said yes. This is what I want, I lied again. She replayed our time back to me like I wasn’t aware of any of it. As if I wasn’t a key part of the complete mess that was happening to us. How I used to gently touch her arm or her lower back when we were nothing but acquaintances. My sublime way of looking straight at her, targeting her and as soon as our eyes met, a small grin just to pull her a little bit more. She wondered if this approach worked with everyone or was just with her. That first kiss. Did I know how long she wanted that first kiss? Was I aware of her state everytime we met casually? I couldn’t really answer. I was never one the focus on anyone else but me. How long did I want that kiss? Forever! How did I feel every time we met? It was like any moment that we weren’t in each other’s arms, that we weren’t whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, was a complete waste of time. That was the truth but I wasn’t able to say it. I just looked at her and kept silent. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t sad either. She looked like she was expecting this somehow. “I thought I was the one that was going to ruin you, but you outplayed me. It was always going to be like this,” she told me. She was wrong. She had ruined me. I wasn’t myself anymore. She had given me a glimpse of love, of affection and it was just too much for me to handle. Unattached was my way of life, a way to never lose. But she had ruined it for me. She slowly crept into my core, stuck herself deep and gradually started to make me come alive. And it was too much.

“This is over. I am being sincere. I am sorry but I just don’t feel the same.”

If only you knew. If only I could just say everything that I was holding back. If only…

Santiago Roque

Author: santiago roque

I can predict the future. If given the right topic. Often confusing, i am mostly me on emotional steroids.

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