He’s sitting across from me. If we were to have a place, this would be it. I’ve lost count how many times we’ve met here. I wonder, is this where he fell in love with me? I can’t recall ever being here without him in the picture. I mean, I’ve been here many times by myself but I don’t really know anymore what it is coming here without him. I guess he’s mad at something. He’s not his usual silly self. We say hi awkwardly but then again, is it ever not awkward? In all honesty, it pains me to see him like this but then it actually kind of amuses me. Don’t get me wrong, I take no joy in seeing him like this but I guess it’s sort of liberating seeing him struggle too. We try small talk but it doesn’t cut it. Not today. He asks me point blank, ”what now?” I have no idea. Silence.
Most times, he does the talking and I just sort of reply as the conversation flows but today he doesn’t seem quite himself. Are we breaking up? Can we break up? He did text me saying that maybe distance would be a good thing. The idiot! I am mad at him for that.
I have this playful thing that I do where I just stare at something and then as our eyes cross each others, I’ll just go ”yes?” waiting for him to say something. That usually gets the conversation flowing but not this time.
Finally, he starts talking. I say talking but I’m being too optimistic. He mumbles. He stops. No, he continues. It looks like he lost the ability to phrase things. Someone woke up on the retarded side of the bed today! He’s kinda cute though. Like, hella cute!
I hate that I like him. More than he deserves. I think I could just go back to what we were if he wanted. Maybe we will. He tells me I should be more selfish in some ways. Well, I don’t have it in me! I’m starting to dislike him just because.
As the food arrives, he looks over and tells me I’m being too ambitious if I think I can finish this plate. As if?! I’ll have you know I’ve eaten this before and finished it! But I don’t this time and now I have to endure his smugness. Oh, why? I hate him!
We talk for a while and I suppose we get on the same page. It looks like we do at least. As we go our separate ways, I fist bump him. He hates it but I do it nonetheless. You see, we’re not touchy at all. ”No?”, I ask. Reluctantly, he gives in. I go left, he goes right. I hide in my jacket as I walk to my car. I want to look back but I don’t. If I did, I would have seen him looking at me, just staring as I walked away.
He texted me halfway through the afternoon.
”So, still like me?”
Oh God, make me good but just not yet!