I wrote this piece a while ago about not being as nice as i thought i was. I didn’t post it because it didn’t feel appropriate at the time. I’m not a bad person but i’m not really that good of a guy either. Not as good as I thought, at least. And i’m not saying it to fish out compliments. No. I believe it to be true.
It took me a while to get it but i did. I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions, contradictory feelings, the last few years. My reality shifted abruptly and it made me realize that perhaps not everything goes according to plan. I don’t know if it changed me or if it made me adapt to circumstance but i no longer felt comfortable with my surroundings. I felt a bit lost.
I still do sometimes. It’s hard to keep going when sometimes all you want to do is lay down your head and stop. Just put life on pause. Just for a bit.
I was talking with a friend and it just came to me, out of the blue. I’m not a good person as i thought. But i’m a better friend. That is enough, i suppose. I’ve been behaving very child-like, see it, grab-it type of behavior. And that’s not me and it’s not right. Stepping up and taking responsibility is what i should be doing.
I kept throwing responsibility off. Life has been hard enough for some already without having me around. I should’ve never had the right to put something like this on someone else. So i won’t. Not anymore.
I don’t promise just for the sake of it. I promise and take it seriously. I intend on keeping my promises even though i’d rather not.
All of this makes me doubt my intentions. A good person wouldn’t have these issues. Obviously, i do and obviously, i’m not.
“And the cold mister mister
He has got me in his sights
If he shoots me down
He has every right”