And so, October is gone. It felt tiresome yet fulfilling. In some ways, it wasn’t much different from September. I’d say that both months brought me the notion of deception, disappointment. And i hate it. Not being able to deal with it properly makes me feel a bit angry. Maybe not angry but something, for sure.
October also brought me the information that in, give or take, 731 days, i’ll look back and see how stupid, whatever IT is, was. And i will feel nothing because everything was a stupidity, a lack of notion on my behalf. I wish i had this person with me so that i could know a little bit more about the future. Always useful. (actually November brought me this notion but it all boiled up in October so i’m letting that in).
I promised that i would be less emotionally aggressive towards a few people. I succeeded. And then i did not. And then again. I don’t know how people usually do it, but whenever a feeling gets in my head, i find it difficult to go back. But i am hopeful that November will change whatever i need to change. Or adapt.
Another month got added to my new life. Its been a 2,5 years since. It only gets aggressively difficult when guilt slowly crawls in. When that explosion of emotion happens. I recognize it now, it starts as a wave and like any wave, it only stops when it crashes. I don’t fear it, eventually i’ll be able to embrace it. Till then, we play the waiting game. A very special ” i love you”. Because i do. And always will.
October brought my brother closer to his forties. Which i tend to find charming. I’ve seen him go from age to age and i guess its amazing to have these memories. I hope to continue this till we are both too old to do shit. I’ll add our little princess to the list, someone has to take care of us. He said the other day: “as long as we (three) are still around, fuck everything else.” My brother, the poet. He gets better with drink, i assure you.
October gives place to November which basically means Christmas is around the corner. I feel jingly already. Some will say too soon, others not soon enough. I say, just in time. Because i bought a new tree and i should decorate it already.
Hey November, we’ll talk about it in a month.