This type of post it’s usually written when the year is coming to a close but i’m in favour of dedicating December to Christmas and Christmas only. So, November will have to suffice to summarize the highs and lows of 2018 in the life of Santiago Roque.
The thing is, is not really easy to pick one or the other. 2018 was sort of, i don’t know, bland? The good parts were great, the bad ones were horrible. But since i’m all in about getting out the best of any situation, i suppose even the horrible nuances of 2018 were positive in the most skewed perspectives. I’ve always believed in balance, there is this part of me, no matter how small it is, that acknowledges this. So for every high, there should be a low. And the opposite as well. Generally speaking, that is how life has been for me. Whenever i find myself in this great high with life, a low follows. It isn’t something really disturbing or menacing, it is just life and its balance. I accept this as it is. I’ve had (and hopefully will continue to have) this amazing life. I’m really not one to complain. I’ve come to the conclusion that i am in fact “blessed” (as an atheist in training, this is confusing) to have what i have. Despite the lows that life has thrown at me, and counting the biggest loss anyone can have, i still maintain this as a truth. One loss gave me an incredible strength that i never thought was at my reach. Gave me this incredible connection with my brother and sister. Gave me the notion that having siblings is more than having company as a kid. It is having someone to understand you, someone who you can look at and not talk and yet, have a full conversation. Is having yourself divided in three equal parts because you can’t really function without the wellbeing of any of them. But mostly is having them, having your mirrored experience in 3rd person perspective.
The loss of control. I fucked up and it caught up to me. This overwhelming sensation that everything around you is crashing hit me suddenly and it broke me. 2018 took a little bit of myself. I came face to face with my frailty, my faults and it took over me. Took a while to get back on my feet, to accept help and just be myself again. It is okay to be helped instead of helping sometimes. I needed this reality check. I’m no superman and got the message harshly.
The notion that sometimes you can’t do shit for the ones you care the most. The worst sensation of all is to see someone you love go through a traumatic experience and you can’t do shit to help. I lost believe because of that. This kind soul, the purest of all, going through the most excruciating, emotional and physical, pain is just a slap in the face of humanity. Twice now, i found myself wanting so bad to be me instead of them. It doesn’t work that way.
The acceptance that not everything goes according to plan. That’s right, forget everything you’ve planned, everything you thought you had controlled. You don’t. Life happens. And shit too.
The fight in others. I will never cease to be amazed by the strength that i witnessed this past year. I shouldn’t really be surprised, she takes after her mom. The struggle, pain, suffering paid off and today she is safer and healthier than she was in the beginning. She will tell you the fight is constant but she is prepared to go all the way. Any means necessary. I have two heroes now, two versions of the same spirit. I love her.
My better half. I am still dumbfounded that she loves me especially for who i am. It isn’t easy to deal with stupid all day long. But it is part of my charm and she does it gracefully. And most importantly, with a lot of patience. My father told me that as long as you keep your mouth shut in the right moments, you can be pretty stupid the rest of time. Solid advice.
(New) friendships. As i get older, the notion of everlasting friendships fades away. Life has a tendency to set people apart from each other. I’ve got a handful of friends that i’ve known for almost 30 years. Those i carry with me. There is this one specifically that holds a special place with me. We met through work but it feels like we’ve known each other forever. It is scary how much our life events look alike. She knows it but i’ll tell once more: i love her. For everything, for nothing, for just being her, for being my anything when i’m in need. But making new friends that have an impact in your life wasn’t something that i thought possible anymore. I’m grateful for it, though. All in all, i wouldn’t trade it for anything or change any aspect of it. It carried me some days, it still does. It made me happier than i ever thought. I’ll cherish it for as long as i’m allowed. In case it runs away from me, i might just chase it. That’s how much i care.
My fucking club won this year! Shit, i know people don’t really care about this, but fuck, it is an important event in my life! If you know me just a bit, you know how important it is to me. #azulebrancoéocoração💙
So, that was my 2018 up until today. Highs and lows, all mixed up. Always one to look forward for what comes next, 2019 should be fucking awesome!
Be happy. And Merry Christmas !