The Hype-man.

Since today is yesterday was my brother’s birthday, i’ve decided to share something about him. Something that involves me, obviously. I’m that shallow, you should know that by now. Unless it involves me, i don’t really care. But on we go, let me tell you how my brother used to pimp me out to his girl friends. Not complaining, but sometimes his friends weren’t really my type. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

My big bro was a very cool dude to everyone he liked. He had a solid reputation, everyone knew him so his friendly circle was wide. He was also a sort of badass so he got that going on for him. We went to the same school before i moved away with my parents so i got to see first-hand how he was, how most people looked up to him. And sometimes, he would let me hang out with him so 12-year-old me was in awe of these people. I was cool by proxy.

I already covered the part where my brother used to fuck a lot with me, he used to bully me in a “brotherly” way, i suppose. But we actually only started to get along when i grew into my teens. Before i left to move away with my parents, my whole class made me promise to write them a letter so this way, whoever wanted, could correspond with me. This was like mid to late nineties so internet wasn’t accessible to everyone. So i used to correspond with a few friends, send a few letters now and then.

One thing that you must know is how persuasive my brother can be. Even i am guilty of being persuaded by him. On several occasions.

So imagine my surprise when some of his friends start to write me letters. My brother was telling all these stories about me so his (girl) friends learned about me. We used to talk on the phone and he used to tell that he was preparing my arrival in the summer. I was like ” what do you mean?” and he’s goes ” bro, you’re no longer a kid, you’re a man. girls will love you. ill be you hype-man, don’t worry, i got you”. Shit, i have my own pimp!

So one time, before i get back to enjoy summer vacation, i call my brother. I ask him “you’ll pick me up tomorrow? yeah, around 3pm right? sounds about right. Cool. hey, i actually have a gift for you” and i go “what gift?” and he tells me to wait till tomorrow. Nice, he got me a gift. So next day comes, i catch my flight, he picks me up and we drive to our house and im like “so, the gift? what is it?”. He shows me this picture of a chubby chick. “yeah, so? what do you mean so? THAT’S your gift, ive been talking non stop about you. this chick is in, she’s just playing hard to get. Plus, she says that you can’t handle her so we made a wager”. I feel that at this point, you must be thinking i’m joking. I promise you, whoever reads this, it is the absolute truth. Knowing my brother would help understand but it is all true. Unfortunately.

So i have to do it. I still remember her name, Barbara. I actually see her from time to time. Very nice girl, still chubby though. We go out, the vibe is on, I win her over. Funnily enough, after summer i think my brother started dating her. Which is weird but whatever. My brother used to do stuff like this all the time. Like going out and introducing me to random girls as the ultimate guy to date. Actually, a few weeks before i got married, we went out and he did exactly the same so some things will never change.

But the best thing he ever did was hyping me up to one my crushes. There was this girl, i forget her name, but she used to date one of my brothers friends when i was a 12-year-old kid. I was in love for sure, i thought. This girl was so cute, so nice, so HOT ! But when you’re 12, everyone is. So when my brother tells me that he’s being talking to her about me i go “dude, do it! please, hype me the fuck up! Wing it anyway you can” and he goes ” bro, it is done.” Damn it, im starting to get nervous. This girl is bucket-list check material!

I really don’t know what my brother has been telling her about me. In fact, im not even sure i can charm my way into going out with this girl. I haven’t seen her in like maybe 4 years or so. I was 12 the last time, i may have created this fantasy about this girl who doesn’t match with reality. I have to be honest, i’m way in over my head with this one. But he assures everything is fine, be yourself, blah blah and everything will be cool. We talk and i’m supposed to meet my brother at the beach the next day, just sort of like, “uh, there you are with you circle of friends that amazingly includes this super cute, hot as fuck chick”. You know, so casual like.

I go to the beach with my friends, i tell them all about super cute chick and they are like ” dude, i don’t think so. you look 16, she looks like 25. no way it’s going to happen”. I was indeed 16 and i think she was my brothers age so around 18, 19 or so. But, not one to lose confidence in myself, but i start to see their point of view. I may be in over my head with this one. Fuck it, i just go there and play hard to get, you know, like i’m not really interested so this way if it flops, i save face.

I go to see my brother and he’s with his friends. And i see her. Fuck me, no way am i going to go anywhere with this girl. Nope, ain’t gonna happen. So i look at my brother and give him a nod as in “this is a no-go”. And my bro, being the fucker that he is, yells out the girl’s name (which, for argument’s sake, we will call Jessica) “Jessica, Jessica” and she looks over, sees me and waves. I’m in love. This girl grew exactly as i thought she would. I realize there is no way this is ever going to happen. I am not there yet. Maybe in a couple of years i might but right now, no fucking way. She comes over, she’s extremely nice to me. I articulate a phrase or two and before i leave, my brother goes “hey, did you know my bro used to have this huge crush on you?” and she looks at me and i look at her and i see it. I see this can be done. Maybe.  I go “yes, indeed, i used to, that’s right but grew out of it. Thankfully” and she goes “thankfully? how come? that’s not nice at all” “oh, just playing it safe, you know. imagine if i was still hung up on you” i say. I’m feeling very confident right now, i tell you. This may go somewhere. “why imagine? try your luck”. Well, i had to now.

My brother, being my brother, always sort of knew what i needed before i did. He is always a surprise to be around. You never know how things are going to end with him.

The stories we have. I could also tell that one time that he met my work friends after a christmas party and tried to convince my boss to have sex in the bathroom stalls but i’ll save that one for another time.

Congratulations, best wing-man ever. You’re the coolest!

Santiago Roque

Author: santiago roque

I can predict the future. If given the right topic. Often confusing, i am mostly me on emotional steroids.

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