I’m just gonna say it: there should be a tinder-like app for dogs. Just imagine. I would just post his profile online, i’d be honest because he is too vain to admit certain things i would just be straight about:
Small size beast, tends to sleep all day. My likes include long walks along the beach pulling incessantly on my leash like i’m digging up gold. On occasion, i will eat my own poop. I may eat yours too if you’re into that type of thing. I pee everywhere, sometimes i’ll pee twice on the same spot just to cover my bases. I dislike staying at home alone. Don’t like to eat when i’m all by myself. Don’t like people that ring bells. I’ll bark just because i can. I am french but i am cool. I am very black and white, no grey areas for me. Literally. So, if you’re looking for a pooch to smooch, let’s meet. I prefer gardens with a view although sometimes the right bush will get me going.
This should be a thing. My dog suffers with those bitches that ran loose with their pheromones. We ought to be able to just set dogs up. It literally takes like 2 minutes and it is done. I’d be like ” S’up dude? So your bitch ready? Yeah, let’s do it. ‹1:35 later› Holla back if you want to repeat bro” And that would be it. My dog would be happy-ish ( he’s french, is never truly happy) and i would be released from his suffering every time he smells those pheromones and gets trigger happy. Man, i tell you, cleaning up after he gets off is no fun task. So please, someone make it happen. I don’t even want credit for it. Fuck that.
As i write this, he seats next to me. Sleeping and ocasionally releasing the most ninja-like farts. Baby Jesus, i wonder how such a small creature has the ability to throw these smelly kamikazes. Damn you dog, it stings my eyes! I’m gonna take him for a bath today. So it is safe to assume that as soon as he arrives, he will try to roll around the garden. The fucker! Every fucking time. And he always has this expression like he’s about to lay some truth on me, or just spit a Icecube verse or some shit. Thug-like. My dog is gangsta, bro ! But french also. So it contradicts but hey, he manages just fine.
I mentioned on previous posts that i leave books all around the place. Well, he loves to grab one every once and awhile and just chew on it. Days will go by and i’ll just find part of a book’s cover under the table. Or start reading something and noticing missing half pages. So he likes books too. Only too literally. But he goes crazy for chargers, that’s his thing. There is no apple charger safe in this house. Not with this bad boy roaming around. Oh, but dogs are unique in this world. I found something by T.S. Eliot just pretty much sums it up:
“Now dogs pretend they like to fight;
They often bark, more seldom bite;
But yet a Dog is, on the whole,
What you would call a simple soul.”
Now, bath time! Come here, boy !